God's Top Ten Rules, with special guest Salma Hayek.

The Ten commandments are held up as god's supreme laws to live by. He apparently whittled down all potential rules to the ten most important, and we are to hold these sacred and obey them above all others. Kind of cool actually. The concept is great, and it plays well into our modern, short attention spans. It's so cool in fact, that we fail to actually analyze and think about them in a more critical way. Here's my cursory attempt to do just that. How many can you remember? What are their lessons for life? Here they are in a nutshell:

1) I am THE God. Don't even think about any others.

2) Don't worship any idols or other Gods.

3) Don't misuse my name.

4) Observe and honor the sabbath

-Okay, so here we are. Forty percent into God's Top Ten List of rules to live by, and all we've heard is how important it is to prostrate yourself and worship the creator and publisher of these rules. 

5) Honor your parents.

-Um, okay, good advice but is it really worthy of being in the top ten? Shouldn't rules abolishing slavery or rape be a little higher up on the importance scale?

6) Don't kill.

7) Don't commit adultery

8) Don't steal

9) Don't lie about your neighbor

-Okay, so now we finally get into some of the real meaty rules. All good, but once again... Is cheating on a spouse really more terrible than pedophelia, torture, rape, slavery, cannibalism, etc.? Lying about your neighbor is also somewhat unsavory, but in the top ten?

10) Don't be jealous of your neighbor's stuff, including his wife.

Let me tell you something here and now. If Salma Hayek and her French Billionaire hubby moved in next door to me (suspend disbelief for a second, okay?) I'd be powerless to not envy both his stuff, and his wife. Notice also how the "neighbor" referred to is clearly male. In other words, the wife is property, not qualifying as a neighbor herself. Back to my assured envy though. Who exactly would I be hurting? Apparently, kidnapping their young child would be preferable to secretly watching Salma sunbathe in their back yard.

In the immortal words of Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live, "Really God? Really?"